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Think before you order!
A man walks into a restaurant with a fully-grown ostrich trotting alongside him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his back pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "Uh, no! Since it's Friday night I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A few minutes later the waitress arrives with the order and says, "That will be £25.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change from his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the right change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing out the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the exact amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"You've got it! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the right money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
I love your accent!
A woman from Texas and a woman from New York meet at a party. The woman from Texas says to the woman from New York, "Hi! Where y'all from?"
The woman from New York replies, "Where I come from we don't end our sentences with a preposition." So the woman from Texas says, "Fine! Where y'all from, bitch?"
A few minutes later, the same woman from New York meets the woman from Texas' husband. She is really steamed at the Texas broad, so she asks, in a very suggestive voice, "Is there anything I can do for you, handsome?" "We-e-ll," replies the Texan, "I sure could use a piece of ass."
The woman from New York nods, takes the Texan into the bedroom, strips off her clothes, undresses him, and begins to make mad passionate love to him.
After they are done, she says suggestively, "Now, handsome. Is there anything else I can do for you?" "Well, ma'am," he replies, "I could still use that piece of ass for my Bourbon."
Talk about lazy!
A hillbilly and his son were sitting in front of the fire, smoking their pipes, crossing and uncrossing their legs.
After a long silence, the Father said, "Son, step outside and see if it's raining." Without looking up, the son answered, "Gee, Pop, let's just call the dog in and see if he's wet."
A career couple!
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge 20 bucks for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is 25 bucks."
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!". Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Ah yes! Well, Buddy is blind you see. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't bother."
--- and a jungle tale!
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa and took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard, "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog spots him heading after the leopard at great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made to look a fool and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
But the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
So instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"
A depressed-looking guy explains to his friend, "I've just gone through a very painful separation."
His friend tries to cheer him up, "Don't feel bad. That wife of yours was a real slut. Slept with everyone I know - including myself three or four times!"
The sad guy exclaims, "Oh! --- well, I actually meant I'm splitting up with my partner at the firm!"
A novice nun is taking a bath. There's a knock at the door so she shouts out, "Who's that?"
"It's the blind man", says a voice. So the nun thinks, well that must be okay, so she shouts, "Come on in!"
The guy comes in and says, "Nice boobs! Where do you want me to hang the blind?"
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
Three nuns die in a car crash and end up at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says "Sorry. New rules. You each have to answer a question before I let you in, but don't worry, they're quite easy".
He asks the first nun, "Who was the first woman?" "Eve", says the nun. "Right. In you go."
He asks the second nun, "Where did Eve live?" "The garden of Eden", says the second nun. "Right. In you go."
Then it was the turn of the Mother Superior. St. Peter says, "Your question will need to be a little tougher. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The Mother Superior says, "Ooh! That's a hard one!"
"Right" says St. Peter, "In you go."
A Totally Soft Drug Tale!
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come running through the forest with me. You'll see - you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it away and sets off running with the rabbit through the trees.
Soon they come across an elephant cutting a line of coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running through the pretty forest with us, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his stash, then tosses it and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up...
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! ... Come running through the sunny forest with us, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at them, puts down his needle, grabs the rabbit and starts beating him about the head.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they ask, "Lion, why do you do this? - he was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion stops and says, "This little sod! He makes me run around the forest like a crazy idiot every time he drops acid!"
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive, double-paned, energy-efficient kind.
This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed for a whole year and I have yet to pay for it.
Boy, oh boy, did we go round! Just because I'm getting old doesn't mean that I am getting stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking salesman had told me last year ... … that "in one year the windows would pay for themselves."
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I must have won that silly argument.
In 1997, the manager of Glasgow Rangers announced that after a substantial period of rest and recreation Paul Gascoigne had pissed his fartness test.
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