Contributions by Contributors(!)
Need for Speed
A little Arkansas country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and just shaking it all up; just watching all the bubbles.
A priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing. The little boy replied "Well, I'm a just shakin' the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water." If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."
The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt, he'll pass a motorbike!"
Contrib: Shaun, Cardiff, UK
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You're next!"
But they stopped soon after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Contrib: Ceri Ashton, Oop Noorth, UK
A Fair Cop
A senior citizen in Florida buys a brand new Mercedes convertible. He takes off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he has left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down the I-95. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol prowler behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem." he thought and tromped it some more, flying down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing!"
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he says, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
Contrib: Web Dude, USA
A Chinese guy is changing his Yen for British Sterling at a High Street Bureau de Change.
"How come o'ny £50? - las' time get £55!"
"It's the markets, Sir."
"Yes, Sir. It's simply a matter of 'fluctuations'."
"Ah so! Well 'fluctu-englishmen' too! Me no shopee here again!"
Contrib: Keith Ashton, Cardiff, UK
The Buck Drops Here
A woman is just getting out of the shower, and her husband is just getting in, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, their next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps herself in the towel again and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob from next door," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 bucks he owes me?"
Contrib: Ceri Ashton, Oop Noorth, UK (Thanks, Cegs!)
Our minister was waxing eloquently during the evening prayer service.
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my daughter (who was listening attentively) leaned over to me and asked quite loudly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Contrib: Shelagh Middlehurst, Cardiff, UK
Please feel free to contribute your classics!! 'Course, if I don't laugh, it don't get in!
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